Part 1–Destruction (this is going to be a long series).
So I’ve been doing a lot of research here lately, a lot of reading, and also reevaluating myself. And as of lately, today, in fact, I reached out to some friends of mine that I regard as spiritual leaders and people I respect immensely. As many of you have witnessed over the past couple weeks my Facebook post have changed. I’m sure some of you are wondering exactly what’s going on? The answer to that question is very personal and I will keep it that way, but I do want to share something. Those of you who truly know me, know that as of the first of this year I finally accepted the fact but there’s something really wrong with me. Something I’ve been fighting with for over 14 years if not more.
Before I joined the Army at 21 I didn’t have the best childhood but I did have to grow up fast. I did not have problems in the relationship department, although I had to learn it all on my own, because I damn sure didn’t see love at home. In fact I was in a long term relationship, my high school sweetheart, when I decided to join the military. She begged me not to go but I knew that working as a waiter at a Mexican food place in Wichita Falls, was not going to put her through school, pay the bills, and ready us for marriage. So on the 19th of March 2001 I boarded a bus in Wichita Falls Texas, promising I would be back soon. That’s where I can trace back where a change happened in me. Long story short and without getting into great details, a string of traumatic events occurred, that I was not only very not prepared for but never imagined I would endure. After my ETS date in 2009 I then went back into it on the contractor side. Still not realizing I was just masking what was wrong with me. Telling myself the things I witnessed, the things I did, where just me…the macho badass “I don’t give a damn” “better stay clear of me or suffer the consequences” guy was just simply who I had become. Then after destroying my marriage with Eli’s mom, yes I said it I was totally responsible for it, there I was starting over. One event really threw me a curve ball…nit to long ago, March to be exact, my son and I were playing and I was teaching him how to throw a baseball. We tossed it back and forth each time and each time he would drop it. About the 3rd time he dropped it he looked at me and started crying. I was confused, but after he calmed down he told me “daddy I don’t want you to get mad at me, you always get mad at me”. I began to break down, and I held him and apologized to him multiple times. That Monday my first call was to the VA for counseling.
In July I was officially diagnosed with severe PTSD. Of course they loaded me down with multiple medications and wanted me to start weekly group therapy.
During this time I was fortunate to meet someone that I really felt was truly a gift. At first I tried so hard to be a better man, to listen to the counseling, to try and change my way of thinking, and to actually follow my heart. But all the insecurity and things that had brought me down in the past slowly started creeping back and no matter how hard I fought the thoughts, I slowly started to lose sight of me. All the time using PTSD diagnosis as a mask or a crutch, something that I hated to see other people do and there I was doing it. Because it was easier than letting go and being true and happy.
Then it happened, my self-destruction finally took over and I lost sight of what I was fighting for and I let fear take the reins again. Hurting the ones I loved the most and destroying everything I had built in the process. (There is more to this story but I will have to continue it in Part 2).