Part 2- Phoenix Rising
Of course what does the egotistical, macho, hard ass veteran, what does he do when things get hard?….he reverts back to his comfort zone…. here are some of the symptoms, and let me tell you I can put a check by every single one…
Mood: anger, general discontent, guilt, hopelessness, inability to feel pleasure, loneliness, loss of interest, nervousness, panic attack, or emotional distress.
Behavioral: aggression, agitation, hostility, hypervigilance, irritability, screaming, self-destructive behavior, self-harm, or social isolation.
Psychological: depression, fear, flashback, hallucination, severe anxiety, or mistrust.
Sleep: insomnia, night terror, nightmares, or sleep deprivation.
Cognitive: thoughts of suicide or unwanted thoughts.
Whole body: acute stress or blackout, emotional detachment, headache, or lack of emotional response.
And I displayed every signal one… and what disgusts me is that my heart knew it was happening but I didn’t stop it.
So there I was, laying in the rubble of my own self-made destruction looking around and seeing the smoke rise from the destruction. I was back on bottom and on my knees, not realizing that’s exactly where I needed to be the whole time.
I then had a very vivid dream, one like I had never had before. People have always said that when He talks to you, you will definitely know. We’ll I damn sure heard something. I woke up with my heart racing and my mind spinning. It was about 3 in the morning and I got on my phone and started looking for something. It was a book I had thumbed through before a long time ago called the Resolution for Men. I downloaded it so I could listen to it (hate reading). The next morning I listened to it on the way to work. I felt every word every chapter stuck me like a knife into my chest. That’s when I truly started to feel it. A change, the dream has opened my eyes. Gave me insight and showed me what I was missing. Well it’s been about 3 weeks and I’ve been through the audible Resolution for men 3 times now. I bought the leather-bound copy and highlight through it daily. I immerse myself in this daily.
Now comes the reason behind this long post. Someone very dear to me asked me “but how do you know it’s real this time”, I did not have the answer to that except for this…I just feel it….which is the typical response to that question from someone that knows he hurt them…but tonight I heard a term that I believe may explain why the sudden change of heart.
(Yes there is a part 3!!)