I was thinking (imagine that my brain never stops) that I have spent the first 30 plus years of my life chasing my grave stone. I know it sounds morbid or whatever phrase you want to label that statement, but it was the truth.
I joined the military after a not so great child hood and basically had a death wish. Thought that I really had nothing to live for….that was before combat and my time as a contractor. After that that feeling got more intense when I came home. Then my son Eli was born…although the road has been bumpy and is continuing to throw me towards the ditch daily….I know my mission….I know my WHY…..Casualties of War was born from this and is growing to levels that I could have never imagined. So when I was driving today this little thought struck me hard…….
I have spent my whole live racing for my grave, and now…..all I really care about is what will be written on my headstone.
Defend the cause of the weak and fatherless; maintain the rights of the poor and oppressed. Rescue the weak and needy; deliver them from the hand of the wicked. (Psalm 82:3)
I ask God daily on why he chose me to walk this path? The only real answer I am handed back is this… God knows I am a leader. A leader that tends to become very over whelmed at times, afraid and even passive (yes I said it). God knows that strength and courage are ingredients of a great leader. He did not choose me because I am smarter, more talented or stronger. I believe He chose me because I take courage. Regardless of what may be happening around me…I continue to stand up and use the influence He gave me to move others in the right direction. I am always asking myself why people tend to follow me even when I do not have it all together? I believe it is because no one will follow someone without courage. Because any man without courage will not lead.
The Enemy tells me all the time that I am not fit to lead myself much less anyone else. He points out my mistakes and my failures of my past and present. He plays on my lack of understanding and uncertainty of my future. He never lets me forget my insecurities and fears. And is always trying to convince me to take the easy path…to disengage and retreat..to let someone else take the reigns…..but something the enemy may forget (or hopes I forget) is that my leadership is not about my expertise or perfection. It’s not about what others say or think about me…no it is about my courage….my courage to trust God , the courage to do the right thing, to stand alone if need be, to always maintain my forward momentum, not to falter under intense pressure, and to get back up after being knocked down even if it is every single day.
So today and tomorrow I choose to continue to be strong and take courage, to take this responsibility and keep leading…why? Because that is what God has called me to do.
I chose to stop chasing my headstone and started working on the words that will lay upon it.
Always moving forward,
Wounded not Defeated,